I'm really stressed right now. Silly conversations with Candice about dropping everything - jobs, school - and moving away seem more and more appealing. I would never follow through with such plans, but the desire is disturbing enough for me.

I'm not having a breakdown or anything. I just find it increasingly difficult to say goodbye. Just as I'm amazed by how much more strongly my feelings grow every time I see Ben, I'm amazed by how sad I become when we say farewell. It's tough and it sucks.

On the plan yesterday morning I was not happy. We woke up at the crack of dawn after sleeping for less than 5 hours. And I made the mistake of reading his four-page V-Day letter while waiting to take off. I cried more than I have in years. The flight movie, Charlies Angels, saved me.

I don't know what to say about it. It's real. It's not always easy, but it's more important to me than anything right now. He is more important than anything. And I'll take the tears. They're just fine with me. I'll take the lump in my throat during the drive to Oakland airport. I'll take the phone calls and emails in stead of hugs and dinners.

For now.

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